Taku Wairua

Ive always been the type of person to stand up for the people I care about.  But my battle with depression and anxiety makes it really difficult to feel supported in my own personal battles.  There are times i have to search extra hard for the love, loyalty and support that i need when things get tough. Recently I experienced an anxiety relapse.  It brought to the surface, a lot of painful thoughts, feelings and insecurities that have been difficult to relive.  I know that i need to learn to stand up for myself, but sometimes it would be nice to know there is someone fighting my battles with me, instead of me feeling like i'm fighting them alone. I think i need to reduce my expectations of myself and others.  I have a really hard time saying no, when someone needs me, and it turns out my own mental and emotional bank account is depleting.  Guilt is part of it.  I feel guilty putting my own needs first when others need support.  I have to learn...

Ive never been good at living in the moment.  I plan ahead. I plan for every possible situation.  I wouldnt call myself a control freak, but i do like it when im in control of my situation.  which lets face it, thats hardly ever.  Lately ive felt the desire to just start living in the moment.  Being more aware of my situation......In every aspect.  Healthwise, I want to live in the moment too.  I'd like to be able to get my health under control.  But honestly,  Its freaking daunting!  Ive had to pick one area to work on at a time, just to stop myself from getting overwhelmed, and quitting early.  So for now, its increasing my water intake.  It's honestly the only way i know how to start, without overwhelming myself.  Let the health journey begin.......

One of the hard parts about my battle with depression and anxiety, is that it makes me feel like im not good enough just as i am.  Im always thinking about the fact that Im a size 20 (bordering on a 22), my diet needs an overhaul. Exercise? only if i have to, and definitely not in the heat.  Oh the heat.  Whoever discovered that things expand in the heat, got it bang on.  I feel like every part of my body swells in the heat.  Of course that doesnt help things.  Living with a disability doesnt help either.  My greatest fear is that ill never find someone to love me with all my health issues.  True, i did once... but even that dating process didnt help.  Im not sure i could go through that again... I know i should just work to make the changes necessary, but its actually not that easy.  When depression and anxiety messes with your head, It can make even the simplest tasks near impossible.  Some days its hard enough to just take...