Taku Wairua

Ive always been the type of person to stand up for the people I care about.  But my battle with depression and anxiety makes it really difficult to feel supported in my own personal battles.  There are times i have to search extra hard for the love, loyalty and support that i need when things get tough. Recently I experienced an anxiety relapse.  It brought to the surface, a lot of painful thoughts, feelings and insecurities that have been difficult to relive.  I know that i need to learn to stand up for myself, but sometimes it would be nice to know there is someone fighting my battles with me, instead of me feeling like i'm fighting them alone. I think i need to reduce my expectations of myself and others.  I have a really hard time saying no, when someone needs me, and it turns out my own mental and emotional bank account is depleting.  Guilt is part of it.  I feel guilty putting my own needs first when others need support.  I have to learn...

Ive never been good at living in the moment.  I plan ahead. I plan for every possible situation.  I wouldnt call myself a control freak, but i do like it when im in control of my situation.  which lets face it, thats hardly ever.  Lately ive felt the desire to just start living in the moment.  Being more aware of my situation......In every aspect.  Healthwise, I want to live in the moment too.  I'd like to be able to get my health under control.  But honestly,  Its freaking daunting!  Ive had to pick one area to work on at a time, just to stop myself from getting overwhelmed, and quitting early.  So for now, its increasing my water intake.  It's honestly the only way i know how to start, without overwhelming myself.  Let the health journey begin.......

One of the hard parts about my battle with depression and anxiety, is that it makes me feel like im not good enough just as i am.  Im always thinking about the fact that Im a size 20 (bordering on a 22), my diet needs an overhaul. Exercise? only if i have to, and definitely not in the heat.  Oh the heat.  Whoever discovered that things expand in the heat, got it bang on.  I feel like every part of my body swells in the heat.  Of course that doesnt help things.  Living with a disability doesnt help either.  My greatest fear is that ill never find someone to love me with all my health issues.  True, i did once... but even that dating process didnt help.  Im not sure i could go through that again... I know i should just work to make the changes necessary, but its actually not that easy.  When depression and anxiety messes with your head, It can make even the simplest tasks near impossible.  Some days its hard enough to just take...

I thought i had my whole life figured out before i was 16.  I was going to go on a mission at 21, be married by 25 and be done having all my children by 35.  Instead, i got no mission, because of health concerns.   I was married at 28, diagnosed with infertility and endometriosis at 29 and divorced at 36.  Go figure. Im a planner.  Its what i do.  I have a plan for almost everything.  It took me a long time to come to terms with life not turning out the way i planned.  Someone once told me, we dont plan these things, sometimes this is just the way life turns out. Maybe thats true.  Maybe its teaching me to learn to be adaptable.  I love the movie PS I love you where Gerry teaches Holly from beyond the grave, to live again and that things always have a way of working out.  He teaches her that its ok not to have a plan, and that its ok to just go with the flow.  Perhaps thats something i need to learn to do. Ada...

Sometimes life gets confusing.  You think you have it figured out, then Boom! karma steps in and decides to mix things up a bit.   Im a huge believer that everyone, no matter their life circumstances, deserves to find love.  Sometimes it just takes that special someone to help you believe love is possible.   It took me a long time to believe I deserved love. A myriad of health issues made me fearful that nobody would ever be able to accept me and love me for who i am.   Eventually I found love with a man i adored, and whom I believed adored me.  Just because we both have significant health issues, doesnt mean it shouldnt work out, if we both put in the work, right?   Or so I thought.  And yet now I sit here single, divorced, and wondering what life has in store for me next.   Wondering where i went wrong, wondering if i should even seek love again.  There's a part of me that just wants to get on with...